Tuesday, April 7, 2009

unsent email

this is a running which isnt really a email because i never actually sent it. its more like my way of journaling. i think i started 2 yrs ago? i dunno

listen and listen good you fuckers. i am sick and tired of your nagging and berating and allways putting me down. i am sick and tired of being called stupid and worthless and lazy. i dont like it when you always make feel like shit without actually saying the words that is the worst thing you can do understand. we need to get a few things straight: 1. i am nearly 18 years old so stop treating me like a fucking child understand. 2: i know i prolly am sounding like Dwayne and you know what i am tired of being compared to him. sure i might talk just like he did when he was my age aand act like him and all that but the difference is he wasted his life and his potential and blames all his troubles on everyone else. me i take responsibility for my action i let peole kno i fucked up and all that. and wha tdo you do when do that: you make me feel like shit. you nag= and tell me what do you expect, this wouldnt have happen if you just listened to me. i dont tell you shit you realize that. i dont show you report cards, i dont ask you for anything you know why? its not because i know you'll say no, because i kno you will, its because of how you will make me feel. when i want something i always hesitate because i can just hear your voices telling me all the things you've said. i swear if i get an ulcer it will be all your fault. another thing: i am sick and tired of being treated like im not responsible. i may not be responsible but i do respect you. because im not doing everything you ask me to do when you do it exactly how you dwant me to do it then im lazy disrespectful etc. no that is not true. i am jsut wanting to be my own person not a mini you. i am not blaming you guys for any problem s i have at the moment. my feeling of being overworked and pressured? that is my responsbilbe and my fault. if anything i am blaming you for being so mean, that is about all. its stupiud but i dont care. i should have talked to my principal about the reverned coming earlier, but i didnt. did i tell you? no because in your own twisted way you'd try and "help" i dont want you r fucking help. i do but i dont want all the nagging and remarks about my stupidity. i want your help aand i dont want top be cut thre fuck off anymore whern im talking ok? also you need to be more flexible and dont expect that just because we say not to do somethng ill listen. it sound s bad but its true. you r word is not law. you might think it is because your older and "wiser, with more experience you'll ever have" but that is not true. just because your older doent mean your god. it just means that you know somethings that i dont. not evrything just somethings. another thing u need to be moe trusting i dunno if if already said this but you guys need to be more trusting: i am not dwayne, i will not come home at 4:00 am and epect the door to be open. i will call and let you know im going to be staying out or watever. i dont plan on getting high anytime soon and ruin grades for the plain reasons that i dont like weed and that i have to work hard for things. you might feel like i am selling myself short but that is not how i feel. i need to start doing wat mom does live for herself because if i dont i will hate you all and be a bervous wreack. wat do you want me to do because it seems like that u dont like wat i like. whenever i ask questions like that it seems like you think im being disrespectful and sarcastic. NO! i just want an honest answer so here's the deal this is wat i want to do: i want to help people. it sound corny and very unoriginal and stupid but i dont care. this is wat i fucking want to do. social worker or child and youth worker doesnt matter to me but preferable social worker. i do not know evrything about so stop grilling me about it. i know somethings like that a social worker help people cope with difficulties. the people they help like children in foster homes, children's aid, children who have been abused, whetehr physicall, emotionally, or sexually. they also help people who are recovering addicts or alcholics, people getting out of mental hospitals or jails. that is all i really know is that they help people. and that is wat i want to do. so please stop pressuring me into an immediate answer about everything from waat i want to do in college to how many kids you want me to have. yes you because i dont want children or get married. i mean i love kids and ill help rasie them but the most ill do is become a foster parent or adopt, but i am not getting married. i have seen marriages and to be frank yours has put me off the whole idea. i feel overwhelmed and like the whole world is closing around me and you 2 arent helping. stop getting on my case about my face. it is my own face and i can do wat i want with it. stop telling me something is not possible because that just makes me angry. just because forr some people being out of school for 1 year means that it is going to be impossible to catch doesnt mean it applies to everyone all around the world just because you say so. dad u are such a fucking bastard all u can ever say is i told you so, i told u so. u even do that to kaari she's ur grand daughter!! i cant wait to tell u tha tim bi just to see ur face it should be fun. mom u need to give respect to get respect. fuck just becasue we dont jump when u say jump we're being disrespectful and bad. like really come on. im 18 now it is none of ur business who i tlk to and who my friends are.okay so ive being having sex with this guy and im not sure if its sex or if he wants a relationship i thing its just sex.but still why do i think about it so much.and then there's adam.adam who i havent met yet but feel as if ive known him all my life.hes my best friend.my best gay friend.i really like him but i ddunno wats going to happen.fyi im not bi im gay so there.well im in the commons doing homewrk (last minute again lol) so imma make this quick. i got myself a bf ron. i lost myself a bf cuz well it wasnt wrking and he wasnt my type and all. too fem, bitchy, and just well not my scene. its ugly at the moment (and him too i guess lol) but yeah. good news is me and adam are now like bffs. hes liek my bro, no scratch that he is my brother. im his jacob to his bella lmaoo. but yeah if your reading this adam hi :) lol i would do a wavy smilely but i cant cause i dont know how to lool. so yeah. oh and my sisters know (all of them extended plus lol) and im pretty sure my parents do too. i cant wait for THAT tlk, it shud be fun lol but yeah so im getting back to wrk...fml lol

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