ER,church,hotel party,desperate housewives and othrs.

sooo. day one of week of my 2 week hiatus lol. so imma try and make this in order. so first friday. omg i did amazing on my english presentation. that i started and pretty much did the day of. nextt i pretty much just read comics and pretty much did nothing. it was soooo fun. not to mention my aunt dorn cam over so yay. lol next, saturday i spent the whole day doing yard work (not fun) and cutting down tree limbs with a chainsaw (FUNNN). my aunt came with FOOD! that was like amazing. pound cake, banana and walnut cake. everything soo gud. so then i went a hotel party. now that wass interesting. i got there and its was soooo awkward. my bros (adam) friends and his sister was there, and it was kinda weird. but once we startedd doing shots and shit everything became much easier. handstands, never have i ever, and pizza were just a few things we did. i was drunk. i have no idea how i made it to church in one piece. my head was fine, thank god for small miracles lol. pretty much after that its been desperate housewives( love that show btw) E.R (meh)and getting physical. not funn. so my sister is bbeing a bitch rite now so i have to go. fml

2 weeks here i come!

YAYAYAYAYAYAY!i am offically done all my exams!!! now i only have to do that stupid english presentation and im done!!...for 2 weeks -_-. but still 2 weeks will be very nice. sleep.bleach.heroes.fringe.sleep.no school.sex.more sex.and work. plus this means more posts!! yay! lol

done and 3 more left

i finished my english essay!!!!!!!!! its done and its crap but it shud give me a passing mark! yay! i feel like shit ND im delirious like wat but all i have is exams left! yippee. being sick sucks btw. on a good note adam my bff has finally realzied he is worth it and that he does deserve good things. finally. took him long enuff lol. i love him and to be honest i wanna hurt kyle for hurting him. ive said it b4 and i'll say it again. and he is rite about ppl being parts or puzzle pieces. we fit together so well that i dont think there are any other parts to be found. but thats my opinion me being the jacob in the relatioship. and we all know how that turned out, but who knows...

english essay 153/1500

sooo i finished my social work foundations exam, sooo easy btw lol, and now ive been in commons for about 2 hours attempting to do my english essay, hence the name of the post lol. its not going well . i have 153 words out of 1500. sooo yeah. dreams suck. freud suck. im also still sick and soooo horny!! lmaooo. maybe 2moro. fml

sick

ok so being sick isnt cool. you feel all icky and like shit and liek that alien egg is in your chest but not coming oit but just getting there and its just not cool. that combined with the fact that you have an exam 2moro in the morning that you havent studied for and an english essay that is 1500 words due on friday and you get a living hell on earth. sooo imma just try and fight it. but studying for a test is not goin to happen soo yeah. maybe i shud actually do some research for my english thingy. yeah that sound guud. fml. now im hungry. im going to eat. hahaa

easter monday/psych after 2 weeks

sooo. psych class is back on. yay! and for some strange reason that is evading me at the momment im actually in the middle of the of the room. its weird not being at the top lol. there is- no was- a littel girl in the class buut she left. she was soooo cute. and i cannot type 2day. and my head is killing me cuz of these glasses which kinfda suks because taking them off will make me blindd! muahaha srry brain still hasnt reset itself lol im soooooooooo hungry its making me madd. and hungry. existentialsism is deppressing. being thought of as just the sum of my parts? wow kinda mechanical dont ya think. god i can pay attention its tooo early to listen to anything its ridicoulous( excuse my spelling). im rly reallly realllly trying but its just not happening. wow listening to this would make me really sad if i could pay attention. if we're all feeling lonely then we're all lonely together which i cud prolly handle. it is really going in onee ear and out the other. its just not sticking. great now im tired and im pretty sure im going to get sick soon, everyone just keeps coughing and coughing and sneezing.ok so wow i thought i just lost this whole blog thingy but i didnt so im gud. yeah i know thiis is just pretty a bunch of random shit. sooo immma finish this up lol bye

in the commons

soo im in the commons waiting for someone and hes not gonna come i dont think. so this kinda sucks. what i am going to do tho is play the word association game until my bus comes in...10 mins. so here it goes

closet-coming out
blue-water
billy-bob
game-xmen
food-chow mein
jesus-cannibalism( dont ask lol)
happy-sad
hungry-tired
mad-not me
girls-friends
me-blahh
and last but not least
adam-bro,dude, best friend. oh and eve too

not mad

im not mad. seriously. i just wish this wasnt happening you. i love him. hes like my brother. he IS my brother. but when he tlks like that. it scares me. he says hes weak.hes not. hes strong. he says he doesnt deserve my love and care. i think he deserves more, much more. but hes not listneing i wish he would understand you dont always have to look at the darkside of life. try and find light in it. i want to help him but i cant. i dont know wat to do when he talks like this. what am i suppose to say? "go ahead no one cares?" "do it. you'll be doing everyone a favour?" he can try and fool himself into thinking that but not me. thats bullshitt. i was up until 2am in the morning. and you know what? I WILL FUCKING DO IT AGAIN. i dont care if i have to stay awake all nite. i will help you. another thing. i dont him. i dont like him at all. hes hurting you. so forgive me if i sound a bit testy when you mention him. i know that this prolly not enuff but i dont carer im still going to do it. and im going to keep doing it. you are worth it. even if you dont believe so.

back to white power.great

ok so now she is talking about white power. no wait bacck to homosexuality. fucckyy fucky. ok ok i understand that it good to have stats but really stop shoving it our face god. this is more about sharing personal stories and less about statistics. me personally dont care much for it. but this is just my pet peeve. like being a gay male all this talk is going over my head. like really come on. if someone wants to tell someone their gay thats their choice. if they dont ok. their scared. sure educating is good and all but you cant force it on them. if someone believes that being gay is a sin then you cant really force them to change that. to each their own. im not saying its right but im not saying that forcing people to change their religious views is right either. but whatever.

IM DONE

yaaaay!!! im done!! i started at 11:00am and finished at 2:45pm. it is 3 pages when it shud be 10 pages. sooo yeah its crap. buuut i dont care its done. lol. now we are talking about homosexuality. yay lol i sure hope dairai uses the race card. imma need it lol

shit

ok so it's 1:51 and im making headway. unfortunately my abs are jumping or sumthing. this only only happens ive deduced when im stressed. and i am stressed. fyi the new PCD song is sickk lol fml

fml fml fml fml ommmmmmmmg!

ok ok ok ok ok. sooo its 11:30 my media assignment is due at 3:00 and im nowhere near done. my life is a mess rite now and gahh. fuck fuck fuck!!! whyu why why why!! i feel empty rite now. like numb. i dont feel. and i really hate. panic wud be great rite now but nope nothing. not even hunger. its really bad i prolly shud get it checked out. ok back to work now!

11:30

soooo its 11:30 pm. the nite b4 the media assignment is due and what am i doing? not my media assignment! lol 11:31. instead im going to write a blog. and not any old blog. a blog about why im going to hand my assignment in late and still get gud (i hope) 11:32 one im black. my teacher is black. shes very pro black (she says shes just opinionated but we all know its a lie lol) i really am trying to do my assignment but its just not happening. 11:33. soo maybe dai can hook a brutha up lmaooo. eww that feels weird saying. 11:34. if not then plan b. 11:36. second. im soooo lovable and adorable its hard not to help me pass lool. i am going to be an optimsit and think happy thoughts. i think i can, i think i can, i think can...fml

quick thought

if you read my "unsent email" bit then yeah you're prolly saying wat? if not then plz dont rub it in and say "ive known" along. i kno it doesnt really matter but i pride myself on not being the typical gay guy. soo thanks. oh and if your mad then ok everyone has their own opinion. so there >_< lol

unsent email

this is a running which isnt really a email because i never actually sent it. its more like my way of journaling. i think i started 2 yrs ago? i dunno

listen and listen good you fuckers. i am sick and tired of your nagging and berating and allways putting me down. i am sick and tired of being called stupid and worthless and lazy. i dont like it when you always make feel like shit without actually saying the words that is the worst thing you can do understand. we need to get a few things straight: 1. i am nearly 18 years old so stop treating me like a fucking child understand. 2: i know i prolly am sounding like Dwayne and you know what i am tired of being compared to him. sure i might talk just like he did when he was my age aand act like him and all that but the difference is he wasted his life and his potential and blames all his troubles on everyone else. me i take responsibility for my action i let peole kno i fucked up and all that. and wha tdo you do when do that: you make me feel like shit. you nag= and tell me what do you expect, this wouldnt have happen if you just listened to me. i dont tell you shit you realize that. i dont show you report cards, i dont ask you for anything you know why? its not because i know you'll say no, because i kno you will, its because of how you will make me feel. when i want something i always hesitate because i can just hear your voices telling me all the things you've said. i swear if i get an ulcer it will be all your fault. another thing: i am sick and tired of being treated like im not responsible. i may not be responsible but i do respect you. because im not doing everything you ask me to do when you do it exactly how you dwant me to do it then im lazy disrespectful etc. no that is not true. i am jsut wanting to be my own person not a mini you. i am not blaming you guys for any problem s i have at the moment. my feeling of being overworked and pressured? that is my responsbilbe and my fault. if anything i am blaming you for being so mean, that is about all. its stupiud but i dont care. i should have talked to my principal about the reverned coming earlier, but i didnt. did i tell you? no because in your own twisted way you'd try and "help" i dont want you r fucking help. i do but i dont want all the nagging and remarks about my stupidity. i want your help aand i dont want top be cut thre fuck off anymore whern im talking ok? also you need to be more flexible and dont expect that just because we say not to do somethng ill listen. it sound s bad but its true. you r word is not law. you might think it is because your older and "wiser, with more experience you'll ever have" but that is not true. just because your older doent mean your god. it just means that you know somethings that i dont. not evrything just somethings. another thing u need to be moe trusting i dunno if if already said this but you guys need to be more trusting: i am not dwayne, i will not come home at 4:00 am and epect the door to be open. i will call and let you know im going to be staying out or watever. i dont plan on getting high anytime soon and ruin grades for the plain reasons that i dont like weed and that i have to work hard for things. you might feel like i am selling myself short but that is not how i feel. i need to start doing wat mom does live for herself because if i dont i will hate you all and be a bervous wreack. wat do you want me to do because it seems like that u dont like wat i like. whenever i ask questions like that it seems like you think im being disrespectful and sarcastic. NO! i just want an honest answer so here's the deal this is wat i want to do: i want to help people. it sound corny and very unoriginal and stupid but i dont care. this is wat i fucking want to do. social worker or child and youth worker doesnt matter to me but preferable social worker. i do not know evrything about so stop grilling me about it. i know somethings like that a social worker help people cope with difficulties. the people they help like children in foster homes, children's aid, children who have been abused, whetehr physicall, emotionally, or sexually. they also help people who are recovering addicts or alcholics, people getting out of mental hospitals or jails. that is all i really know is that they help people. and that is wat i want to do. so please stop pressuring me into an immediate answer about everything from waat i want to do in college to how many kids you want me to have. yes you because i dont want children or get married. i mean i love kids and ill help rasie them but the most ill do is become a foster parent or adopt, but i am not getting married. i have seen marriages and to be frank yours has put me off the whole idea. i feel overwhelmed and like the whole world is closing around me and you 2 arent helping. stop getting on my case about my face. it is my own face and i can do wat i want with it. stop telling me something is not possible because that just makes me angry. just because forr some people being out of school for 1 year means that it is going to be impossible to catch doesnt mean it applies to everyone all around the world just because you say so. dad u are such a fucking bastard all u can ever say is i told you so, i told u so. u even do that to kaari she's ur grand daughter!! i cant wait to tell u tha tim bi just to see ur face it should be fun. mom u need to give respect to get respect. fuck just becasue we dont jump when u say jump we're being disrespectful and bad. like really come on. im 18 now it is none of ur business who i tlk to and who my friends are.okay so ive being having sex with this guy and im not sure if its sex or if he wants a relationship i thing its just sex.but still why do i think about it so much.and then there's adam.adam who i havent met yet but feel as if ive known him all my life.hes my best friend.my best gay friend.i really like him but i ddunno wats going to happen.fyi im not bi im gay so there.well im in the commons doing homewrk (last minute again lol) so imma make this quick. i got myself a bf ron. i lost myself a bf cuz well it wasnt wrking and he wasnt my type and all. too fem, bitchy, and just well not my scene. its ugly at the moment (and him too i guess lol) but yeah. good news is me and adam are now like bffs. hes liek my bro, no scratch that he is my brother. im his jacob to his bella lmaoo. but yeah if your reading this adam hi :) lol i would do a wavy smilely but i cant cause i dont know how to lool. so yeah. oh and my sisters know (all of them extended plus lol) and im pretty sure my parents do too. i cant wait for THAT tlk, it shud be fun lol but yeah so im getting back to wrk...fml lol

"Help"

some ppl hate that word. "help" it makes them feel weak, or indebted to someone. like if they do ask for help there is going to be a catch. others love it because it means you can exploit the person who needs, giving them conditional help, helping then only because it benefits you. personally i like the word help. its sobering. it makes me realize that im only human, not superhuman (as some would like you to believe). if i dont understand something, i dont feel stupid about it. i just ask for helpful. so what if it makes me look weak. so wat if it makes me look stupid. at the end of the day all that matters is me feeling gud about myself and the answer i got. when ppl ask me for helpful i dont hesitate to give it. if i dont understand then i try and find someone who does. i dont get caught up on "why are you asking me?" or "is this a joke you asking me for help" or "whats in it for me?" if someone is hurting, i try to make make them feel better. if someone is confused, i try and make them unconfused lol. it never always used to be like this. i used to never ask questions. i would just keep my mouth closed and suffer thru it. now i ask questions about everything. its like being a 4 yr old all over again. hahaha. it was wen i realized that NOT  asking questions was actually stupid that i started doing it. all i pretty have to say is dont be afraid to ask for help. and if you are ask me. because i wont judge you for it. i'll respect you even more. now excuse me while i go back to finishing this day/week of hell. fml lol

test. aka me procrastinating

this is a test blog. my first time. i shud be doing my journals but...im not >_<